When I Can Smile

I used to write beautiful words about you.
Things you never seem to feel for me.
I used to love you like
If I didn't, I can't breathe.
And then I met a boy.
And he taught me to enjoy
That sometimes it's alright
To have someone love me.
And all of a sudden,
The songs we used to sing
They don't hurt as much
I no longer want your touch.
And he held me in the rain
Like he would never again
Like if he let go
He couldn't bear the pain.
And his kisses say to me
"I love you for who you are"
And I will never cry again
On my guitar.
But I am still here
Sitting here for the while.
And I can't wait for the day
When I can smile.

Raw

You're a champion.
I live under your moon and sun.
I look at the shelf of all the trophies you've won.
The veteran.
But sometimes you have PTS.
Post-traumatic syndrome, with your flashbacks.
What's up with that?
Saying that I'm caught up with my past.
But on your most honest moments, when you empty that glass,
You talk about your great last.
And I don't say nothing, because I'm not that girl.
I want you to speak your mind to me, like LL said, let our love unfurl.
But it seems like we started so quick and so great
And all we can come up with is this, and we can't get past it.
Yes, you're a good man-- but I too am great
I'm almost at your level with my young age.
You're the veteran, I'm new school
With my old school ways, I'm no young fool.
I've tripped on different rocks as you,
And we all know that I have my faults with you.
But I man up to the responsibility,
I admit I wronged you, is there something I can do to make it up to you baby?
Because it seems like there isn't, the way you hold things against me.
Don't get it twisted baby boy, you're not a saint either.
But I'm not one to hold it above your head, it's not in me, mister.
But sometimes I wish the pain was physical, but it's not.
It's in here, where my passion for you still burns hot,
But you forgot.
Because the things you say to me makes me wonder
Why do I want to stay with you and become your baby's mother?
You're so clever
With your words that break my heart
I have no tears, but you tear me apart.
But I'm still here, still reaching out my hand
Trying to work things out because you're my man
And I understand.
You have your demands.
I try to live up to them, but if this ever ends
I hope we can still be friends.
Because our love for each other is like the one in 'On Bended Knee'
It just pisses me off that it's enough for you to be you, and not enough for me to be me.

Night out with my friends

Tonight, I spent time with my friends who are basically in the same place in their lives as me. The feeling of loss of self-worth, the insecurity of not doing anything with our lives, the huge amount of time that we have to spend over-thinking things. Well, it's at least a comfort to know that I'm not alone. One of these days, we will just go somewhere, do something, and then after we burn out all our energy and desires, we will come back. Maybe we'll be different, maybe not. But I speak for myself when I say, a road trip is LONG overdue. They may agree. So keep a duffle bag of clothes and self-care supplies ready. Just in case.

We ended up talking about a lot of things. Mostly where we see ourselves in 5 years. I replied, I would be an RN, and I would have a kid, but I won't necessarily be married. I never would have thought of wanting to have a child, but right now, at this moment, I do want one some day. A boy or girl, it doesn't matter. I always did have the fantasy of having a Black kid, though. And it fills me up with hope. I actually have plans for my future, no matter how broad my spectrum of wants is. Another reply is that one would just take things day by day, as it comes. Whatever happens will happen.

We talked about location. Los Angeles? The Bay area? Vegas? Seattle? A man-made island floating in the Pacific? Where do we want to be right now?

We talked about the past.. about my "Lifetime movie" stories. The cartoons and shows and movies we used to watch. The technology back then.

About now. A failing relationship, a blossoming one, or just not looking for one. Our parents, our families. Our friends that moved on from spending time with us. What we wouldn't do at our ages right now. Drugs, sex, money. Coming-up birthdays, and what we would miss.

And we talked about love. Why things are never so simple, and why Coldplay makes us sad, and which ones of us crave that high school kind of love up until now, and which ones just want to grow up to match another's needs.

It's great picking each other's minds. And we weren't even under the influence!

Meesh, I wish you could have been there, but good luck with your NCLEX today! You will do great!

My Thought Today

He tells me sometimes, even in his poems, that after me he will find others. He will know more of what he wants, and it will be better. And at first, it kind of stung. But now I see what he means, because I've also thought of things that I would want from my "next" if it comes to that. And I think that it's alright.

Ahem.

First Crack in the Glass

I know that I fucked up
You don't deserve all of that stuff
And when I saw you could fly away
I wanted to do anything to make you stay
I would squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom
And keep the sodas with the caps on
Cook the eggs the way you like them
Can you smell the cookies bakin?
Rub Icy Hot on your pain
Make sure you have a jacket when it rains
Play more competitively on the video games
I won't lie and call you names
I'll stay up and give you attention
When you come home from your daily mission
But I need a real chance from you for me
To finally become the brand new me

I Miss 1 Month ago

I wish I could go back in time
When I was still I
And you thought of nothing better
than to talk and look in my eyes
I have my faults
And I'll repent
And remember
Every moment spent
When you would excuse us
From the group
To take a walk
With the scenic route
And tell me you wish
You met me before
And hold my hand
And walk some more

Lesson in Poetry

He said, "No, no. Girl you need to learn to let go."
And I promise to him secretly that I'll drop it like a hot potato.
He said I need to learn when to stop when I'm in the mesh
Let hot be hot, and hot be fresh.
I take his words, though it hurts my pride, I know he means well.
I trust his judgement, he's my male Michelle.
Which is all well
But up until now I hope I'm not doing too much.
I don't wanna blow it when I'm in the clutch.
What, too much?

Our Planet

I'm just a spaceman floating in the universe
Swimming in what the greater force chose to disperse
I land from planet to planet, hoping to converse
Waiting for my love to be reimbursed
Then I found a home away from my own home
I laid in the sunlight, resting from my roam
Hoping one day, we'll build a dome of our own
And we can both contribute half our chromosomes
Though I have fears and walls I've built upon
I'll break them down because I see you're the one
I just have to make sure before I jump in the mission

That our world won't explode like planet Krypton

The blue sun would set into our eyes
I'll promise that I will tell no more lies
I'll be your daily pleasant surprise
And you will be my heaven in the silver skies
The silver seas engulf us in the waves
But we're at peace, no need for us to be saved
We'll float along, I swear you're all I crave
Please don't deprive me from your sweet embrace
The purple grass will cushion our fall
Dandelions are made from fireballs
And we'll make a wish, one that we'll always recall
To our little planet, nothing catastrophic will befall
This universe is vast and will break us down
But on our rock, you and I are well-renowned
Little green people who think that we're profound
You're a king, you're worthy to be crowned
You're the paradise I have finally found

Valentine's Day

I've never really celebrated Valentine's day with a special someone until Russell. I'm very happy that I have him in my life. We celebrated the day last week. Nothing major, but very significant in my point of view.

Today has been a special Feb. 14 because I spent it with my homedizzle Eddie. I haven't really spent time with him alone for a WHILE. Not since my birthday I think. He's just the coolest Chinese dude ever. We had pho, studied at Borders in Santa Anita, and just planned out some of the things we would like to do (hopefully we can fulfill those dreams).

Here's some things I would like to do with Russell and my friends:
See Wicked
Go camping
Go on that snowboarding trip
Coachella
Go to the Vegas
Mexico aiiieaiiieeeaiiii

Some day, I can say that I did all of this. Until then, here's hoping.

Moment of Weakness

Breathe in slow death as I look up in the sky
Tastes like new breath as the swirls dance in the night
This is the place where my mother buries her dreams
When there is no hope for tomorrow it seems
I choke in the moment, but I feel so alive
The air on my skin; flickering candle light
No there's no mistake, nothing is alright
I'm distracted from my life, something's blocking my sight
Oh here it is-- my hand on my eyes
My defense mechanism: pretending to be blind
I'm too smart for myself, I know better than that
Sometimes I wish I wasn't
And I think God or whoever--whatever-- did not mean for us to fly
Because falling into the abyss is something we'd try
Just because we know we can save ourselves
No, we're meant to crawl in our lives to build our strength
We start from the bottom of the pit so we can cover much length
And then
I exhale.. another breath wasted on silly thoughts
No sense in counting all the glances I caught
This will be the place where I bury my dreams
But I'm still young enough to have hope so it seems

After weeks of writer's block...

Slow release like poison in your bloodstream
Your heart beating, alone, can spread it
With a scream
And the adrenaline
Of thinking of what could have been
I'm tired of it
I don't want to think of what if's
I don't want to keep holding on to his
Words saying
"You're nothing special, so stop trying.
Yea you've met someone but you'd be lying
to yourself if you think you'll be flying
all this time. He'll get tired of you, and you'll just be crying."
And it echoes in the back of my head
Everytime something good happens, I dread
What he said
And how I said nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing comes to mind when you ask me
"Have you been to this place or that place?"
I can't remember what didn't take place
I didn't get anything but a slap in my face.
Maybe two, three, four-- but who's counting?
No sir, not me that's for sure
How he called me a little whore
For being with my friends from the store
This is not a composition
For the man in yesterday's mission
But this is my realization
That today I have a completely different vision
Today I am stronger
And not only can I defend him and her
I can stand up for me
I'm not completely there yet but you'll see
I'll be the woman I ought to be
And today it's enough that I'm just G.